What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!

You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."

Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!

"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown

What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack

They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.

In Ireland, I call the shots.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.

What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.

A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

She was really itching to get out of here.

Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!

I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.

Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.

Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.

I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”

My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"

My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.

How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!

My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.

Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.

What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.

What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?‬
Seasonings greetings.

What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.

I love spending koala-ty time with you.

Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.

Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.

If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!

Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.

Can you teach me how to use this machine?

Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.

What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!

What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”

Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.

Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.

What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!

What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.

Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!

"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz