What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.

What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!

Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.

I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?

What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.

My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.

“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”

"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley

Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.

Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.

"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner

What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.

What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.

What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull

This foundation is rock salad.

You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.

What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.

How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.

What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.

If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.

Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.

My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.

What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.

What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.

You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.

Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.

My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."

What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz