Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
I feel like we're in tune
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
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