The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
Love me till ice cream.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
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