Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
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