What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
You are un-beer-lievable!
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
You leave me Wonton more.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Say it ain’t snow.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
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