What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
You better beer-live it!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
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