What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
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