Can I hiber-mate with you?
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
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