Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
"Bone to be wild."
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
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