“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Someone said you were looking for me.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
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