Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
I really like you. So does my wife.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
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