The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
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