Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
You snow the drill.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
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