What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
I C Major potential in us getting together.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
I really caribou-t you.
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