There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
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