What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
We’re in a-green-ment.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
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