“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Ah! The element of surprise.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Go to BabaMail
