I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
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