Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
I need to take this picture for my instayam
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Permission to board?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
How about we get down to monkey business?
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
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