Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
I “lub” you.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Go to BabaMail
