"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
"I'm nuts about you."
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
I can be your travel pillow.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
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