"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Something’s goat to give.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
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