Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
The sun is just a big space heater.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
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