When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".

How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."

- Andy Warhol

Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.

What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.

My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.

If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa

What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”

What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

Sheena leads, Sheila needs.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence

Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.

Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible

Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.

Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.

You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!

"You bake me crazy."

What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.

Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

I C Major potential in us getting together.

What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.

What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?

Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).

This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.

Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.

I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!

“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets

What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.

"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower

When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.

How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.

I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."

If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.

What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.

What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.

Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!

What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!

“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds

Long time no sea.