"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Live to tell the tail.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
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