I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.

Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?

Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.

My lobster's name is:
Claude

What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”

“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous

They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.

Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.

My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.

According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.

I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".

What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!

Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.

The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.

Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.

What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.

Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.

Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?

Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?

Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.

What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.

Help me score one more time for team Canada?

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.

“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown

Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.

What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.

What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?

Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.

When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.

If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.

What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson

What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.

I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.

What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”

Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!

Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.