How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.

Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.

What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.

“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”

- Sir Winston Churchill.

Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.

“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown

A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.

I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.

Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.

Irish you were beer.

What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.

Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!

Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.

Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.

Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.

Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.

“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”

I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you

How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.

Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.

Whale, hello there.

I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.

I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.

What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.

No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.

You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.

I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!

I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.

What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.

Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school

Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash

What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!

What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”

Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.

I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.

What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.

County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds