What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
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