The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
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