I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
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