My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
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