“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad

What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.

Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.

What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.

Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!

If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.

Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.

Except the direction I'm walking in.

“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.”​ –Anonymous

The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!

“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx

A round of Santa-plause, please.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.

What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.

I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.

Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.

Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.

Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”

I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.

Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.

Do you be-leaf in magic?

How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.

Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.

Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!

what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.

Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.

You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.

"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen

My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.

When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.

How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.