What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
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