The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
I like your tight end
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
Girls just wanna have sun!
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Go to BabaMail
