Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.

What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.

What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.

I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.

“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”

- Anna Quindlen

What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.

I think therefore I yam.

It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.

What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.

What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.

You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!

Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.

“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”

― Tamora Pierc

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

Ah! The element of surprise.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.

Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.

Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman

Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.

So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:

"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."

He was not impressed.

Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!

Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.

I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."

What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”

I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.

“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”

- Valeriu Butulescu.

Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings

If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?

Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!

How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.

I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny

What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.

What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!

What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.

Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww