Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
You are my density!
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
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