Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
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