How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
Snow thank you.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
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