A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Can I claim your baggage?
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
When are you going to invite me to church?
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
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