As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Go to BabaMail
