What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
"No body won the skeleton race."
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
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