“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
How about we get down to monkey business?
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
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