Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
How Rudolf you to say that!
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Join us for a slice of fun.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
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