Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
All clover the world.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
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