As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Prepare to be bowled over.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
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