What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
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