How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
How about you and I form a binary system?
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Can you drive my car?
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Avoid pier pressure.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
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