Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Mooning is very ASStrological
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
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