I like you cherry much.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
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