What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
You’re my heartthrob.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Please, please me
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
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