Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
"No eggs-cuses."
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
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