My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Haida there, gorgeous.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
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