This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
I think you're barbe-cute.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
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