"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
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