The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
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