My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
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