A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
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