What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Owl always love you.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
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