Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
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