How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
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