What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
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