Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
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