If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
I find my core strength in you.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
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