I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
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