Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
We should make like your parents and split.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
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