"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Ants in your plants.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
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