Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Fairies just wand to have fun.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
I am a mean green machine.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
I think you're mer-mazing.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
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