Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
The goal nine yards
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
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