What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
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