What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!

What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.

Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?

Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!

After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.

What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

Why did the girl break up with the boy?

He was driving her crazy!

Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.

Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?

When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?

The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.

It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!

“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.

I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.

Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.

My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.

Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess

You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.

I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.

I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.

Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie

Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.

When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?

Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.

What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!

Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.

Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.

He's over the moon!He's over the moon!

My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.

What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.