If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
You're acute Valentine.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
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