What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Books are my kind of texts.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
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