"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Are you squiding me right now?
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
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