Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
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