A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches. "You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!" "Really?" "Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was of course much faster than me." The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left." "Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly. "What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused. "Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community." "That's nice " "Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."

A young woman is travelling in Rome for the first time. Feeling a pull toward the grandeur of a beautiful cathedral, she decided to step in and admire the stained glass windows she had heard so much about. As she approached the entrance, a kindly but stern-looking priest emerged. "Excuse me, Miss," he said, raising a hand to stop her. "I’m afraid I can’t let you enter dressed like that." The young woman tilted her head in confusion. "Like what?" she asked. "My dress is modest." The priest hesitated, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Well, it's not the dress itself, it's just that you are not wearing a bra. I can't let you in like that." "Seriously?" Said the woman angrily, "I have a divine right!" "A divine left, too, Miss," the priest replied "but you still can’t come in."

Noah and Frank left a bar after a long night of drinking, jumped into Noah’s car and Noah started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Frank screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" Noah sped up but the old man's face stayed in the window. Frank rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" Frank handed the old man a cigarette, yelled, "Step on it," to Noah and quickly rolled up the window. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. Noah said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," Frank yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. Frank threw a lighter out the window and said to Noah, "Step on it!" Noah floored it, and going about 100 miles an hour they tried to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" Frank rolled down the window and screamed, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

A man’s relatives from Mexico came to visit for the first time, and he wanted to give them a true American experience. He decided to take them to a football game. Unfortunately, by the time they got to the stadium, the only seats left were in the nosebleeds, partially blocked by a giant support column. The man was embarrassed. He apologized to his uncle and said, "I'm so sorry the seats aren’t better. We can hardly see the field from here." But his uncle waved him off and said, "Don’t worry about it! I’m just happy to be here." The game started, and the man noticed his uncle was incredibly cheerful, even more so than he expected. He clapped along, cheered loudly, and had a smile plastered across his face the entire time. After the game ended, the man couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Uncle, I’m so glad you had a good time, but tell me, why were you so happy? We could barely see the game!” His uncle beamed and said, “Well, I was so touched by how nice everyone is in America! The entire stadium stood up and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?’

A stingy old man was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you when you die.” After much thought, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the pillow cases full of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab them on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral the deceased man’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaims. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

A man goes into a cafe and asks for breakfast done ‘my way.’ He says, "Can I get a full cooked breakfast, but I need it cooked my way?" "Can I have bacon that’s so burnt that it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?" "Can I have sausages that are so rubbery that you could bounce them off the ground and they would hit the roof?" "Can I have all the shell broken up through my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline?" "Can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy, congealed slime?" The man behind the counter says, "Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?" And the guy says, "You seemed to find the time yesterday."