I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
2. Two cows in a field
There were two cows in a field.
The first cow said “moo” and the second cow said, “Baaaa.”
The first cow asked the second cow, “Why did you say baaaa?”
The second cow said, “I’m learning a foreign language.”
The other day my girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it….
So we went out and had some drinks.
He’s a cool guy, wants to become a web developer.
4. A duck, a skunk, and a deer have dinner
A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck.
So they put the meal on the duck’s bill.
A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football.
During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning.
But during the second half, a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game.
When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”
He replied, “I was putting on my shoes!”
6. The piranha discovery
Found out today that Piranha fish can totally remove the flesh from a child’s body in under 5 minutes.
On the downside, I’ve now been fired from my job at the aquarium.
Did you hear about the 6 Chinese sailors who were killed by a killer whale?
Apparently, it was an orca-strated attack.
8. Trick pet goldfish
I can’t believe how awesome my new pet goldfish is.
Just found out that if you put it on the carpet it can actually break dance.
A panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a sandwich.
He proceeds to shoot him and leave the bar.
Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station.
They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?”
The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.”
So they did, they went on Wikipedia and there it was:
‘A panda eats shoots and leaves.’
10. Swallows don't use satnav
Just heard on the radio that the average swallow flies about 73,000 miles a year across 17 countries without a satnav.
Big deal - I travel without a satnav all the time.
I think it’s more impressive that they don’t need a passport.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zookeeper who gave Viagra to a dangerous crocodile?
He read somewhere that it’s good for treating reptile dysfunction.
12. The difference between a lobster and a bus stop
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station,
and the other is a busty crustacean.
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