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Expect Jokes

Fly Puns
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.

"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Funny Money Quotes
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
Flight Puns
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Funny Break Up Lines
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
Water Puns
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Funny Parenting Quotes
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”

- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”

- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Garden Quotes
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Grammar Puns
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Spain Puns
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.

The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.

I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff

They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Keyboard Puns
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Ancient Greek Monster Puns
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Vaccine Puns
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Funny Animal Quotes
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”

- Garry Shandling.
Werewolf Puns
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.