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Ahead Jokes

Travel Puns
If you travel to the future and get decapitated

You'd be ahead of your time
Running Puns
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Funny Work Quotes
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Colonoscopy Short Jokes
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
One Liners for Kids
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Potato Puns
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Greece Puns
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Funny Money Quotes
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
Lettuce Puns
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Food Poems
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)
Band Puns
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Salad Puns
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Zebra Puns
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Funny Marriage Quotes
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland