mhs login employee Jokes

The CEO of a company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a concert. As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company's efficiency expert, to enjoy with his wife. Next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by the efficiency expert, and this is what it said: "Dear Sir, I was sent, by you, to the concert, the main piece of the evening being Schubert's unfinished symphony, although personally I think unfinished work should be disqualified. I have watched the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found: 1. The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists play the exact same tune! Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired. 2. The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work. 3. Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours. 4. Regarding the equipment: I've noticed a horrible lack of stardanization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments, I've seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier. 5. The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological councling may be advised. To summarize: I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony! Kind Regards, Barry Efficiency Expert"

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" A muffled giggle answered him. "Me."

Week 1 - Memo No. 1 We are glad to announce that the company will be adopting Fridays from now on as Casual Day. All employees are free to arrive at work with the casual attire they wish to wear. Week 2 - Memo No. 2 Attention to all employees: Giant hats and chicken costumes are no longer allowed on Casual Day. Neither are wrestling outfits or edible underclothes. Week 5 - Memo No. 3 To all employees: The phrase Casual Day refers to attire, not attitude. When on smoke break, please avoid bringing 'joints', bongs or glass pipes to the office. Remember that our conduct dictates our success. Week 7 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on the appropriate attire and attitude on casual day will be held at 4PM on Friday in the cafeteria. Attendance is mandatory. Week 8 - Memo No. 5 Following the tragic events of the seminar, the 8 members of the Casual Day Task Force will be seeing to your safety during Casual Day, and will be preparing new guidelines for proper conduct. Week 12 - Memo No. 6 Attention all employees! The 26 members of the Casual Day Task Force would like to apologize to Louis' family, he will be missed. Today you will receive the complete, 277-page manual for 'how to relax on Casual Day without receiving a penalty'. Please see the chapter on 'keep it clean, keep it covered.' for some great tips, as well as the chapter 'Say no to animal costumes' Please read it and memorize for upcoming exam. Week 16 - Memo No. 7 Good news: Our medical coverage has now been altered to include psychological counselling for trauma. Please fill prescriptions and follow directions in order to be in the right state for Casual Day. Week 18 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts, several law suits, and an ongoing police investigation, we are sorry to announce that we will be discontinuing Casual Day.

A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner. “The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.” “Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I'm super busy at work right now.” The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing - on a tightrope! Can you imagine?” “Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time." The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha. The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose. “Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?” Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show. The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend. “Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won't be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!" The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!" The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!" Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw." The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"

A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw." So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the hell is that sound?!?"

A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce. "You can't buy just half a head, we sell them whole." says the employee. The customer responds "Go get your manager, and I'll ask him." So the employee goes to his manager and says "Some a$*hole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head..." when he realizes the customer is right behind him. However, he immediately turns and without missing a beat, he gestures: "and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half!" After the customer leaves, the manager says "That was pretty quick thinking, tell me about yourself. Where are you from?" The kid says "I'm from Brazil." "So why didn't you stay there? Isn't it a beautiful country?" "Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts." Said he kid. "My wife is from Brazil!" growls the manager in sudden anger. "Really?" Asks the kid without losing a beat, "What team does she play for?"

A couple decide that they need a guard dog. So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment” The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.” “But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.” The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind. “Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog” “Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!” She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table. The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.” When he brought it home, his wife was very angry. “Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!” “Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

A large corporation hires a Tribe of ex-cannibals. As they accept them they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody!" Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office and says: "One of the employees has been missing for several days now. This is awkward to ask, but... did you EAT them?" The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says: "No sir, we have not eaten anybody. We have left that all behind us." The CEO remains unconvinced, but without evidence there is nothing he can do. He apologizes for the suspicion and sends them back to work. Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his people and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?" A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hand and admits: "I ate the cleaning lady." Enraged, the chief slaps the man and yells: "You fool! We've been eating department heads, marketing executives and efficiency consultants for weeks and nobody noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone they'll miss!"

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie suddenly appeared. "Noble sir," he thundered. "You have three wishes you may ask of me." "Alright," said the government clerk. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?" Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?" Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years." Boss: "Yes." Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first." Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time." Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade." Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?" Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!" Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?" Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent. "That would be me." replied the rancher.

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.” Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.” Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.” Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.” Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.” The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy pipes up again. Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.” Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.” Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.” Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.” Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.” Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.” Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.” Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.” Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?” Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?” Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.” Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.” Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?” Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.” The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??” Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.” Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.” Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?” Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”

A CEO went on a rock-climbing trip with one of his employees. The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go." The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a wad of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the hell is this for?" The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."

Man walks up to the employee and says "Yeah, I would like uhhh...hhmm....the Polish sausage." The employee kind of chuckles and says "Polish sausage, you must be Polish?" The man gets immediately angry and yells "HEY, just cause I ordered a polish sausage don't make me Polish! if I ordered drench fries does that make me drench, if I order Swedish meatballs does that make me Swedish, if I ordered a Cuban sandwich does that make me Cuban? give me one good reason you have the right to think I'm Polish cause I ordered a polish sausage, cause I'm not Polish!!" The employee sighs: "Sir, this is a hardware store."

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyll on the Welsh island of Anglesey, They started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. “LLan-fair-poo-wee…” said the first. “No no – it’s llan-fair-pi-well…” argued the second. “I think we need to ask a local about this,” the third sighed. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the third asked the blond employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" “Sure!” said the girl behind the counter. She leaned toward them and said: “Burrrrr-gerrrrr-Kinnnnng.”