You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.