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My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Preparing.”
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.