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Kid

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”

- Judd Apatow.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

- Jim Gaffigan.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”

- Conan O’Brien.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”

- Ernest Hemingway.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”

- Carrie Underwood.
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